Hard days

It's been awhile.

... because honestly, it's been a rough few weeks at the WigWam, and I just haven't felt up to writing.  It's been on my to-do list for weeks, to write an update, but yeah... Anyway...

The past 2 1/2 weeks have been the hardest with Charlie we have had yet, and next week marks the 10-month anniversary of when he moved in.  (We also recently passed the 3-year anniversary of when he was taken into foster care.)  We got home from our travels on a Monday night, and Tuesday morning marked a turning point in his behavior that still has us scratching our heads (if not pounding them against the wall).  It has been incredibly, incredibly hard.

The first part of this "season," Robert and I did not react well.  In fact, that's exactly what we did - react.  We reacted to his behaviors with outrage and offense and hurt and frustration, every single day, sometimes more than once a day, with every offense Charlie executed - and there were many.

In our defense, what Charlie has been up to has been awful and offensive.  When you look someone in the eye and tell them you love them one minute, and then do what he's done in the next, it is, unfortunately, also destructive to the relationship.  You also understand that as there is still no adoption date, our hands are tied in how we can discipline him.  And of course, Ro and I are still sinful people who allowed our frustrations to govern our own behavior.

Several days in I began to ask for prayer (shameful that it wasn't my first reaction).  To be very honest: I didn't think we would be able to keep this kid.  I had determined, mind you, to be committed to him, for better or for worse.  But his caseworker was fired and replaced with a supervisor, who would have to visit us in this incredibly tense moment.  I was truly afraid they would remove him from our home, either because they disagreed with the methods of consequences we had devised, or because his acting out (not to mention words he's said) might have indicated this wasn't where he wanted to be.  So, consider our position:  We are on edge and eagle-eyed because of his erratic and untrustworthy behavior; we are feeling like failures and afraid that the county will take him away; we are at a complete loss as to what else to do; our remaining children at home are feeling the tension and disgust and also aren't keen on building relationship with this kid... There were so many difficult feelings going on.

And then around the time the new caseworker came to visit, I began to calm down.  And thankfully, she has a lot of experience and was a voice of calm and reason in the midst of this storm.  Robert and I have been able to let go of a lot of the anger (though distrust understandably remains) and take a step back and remember the big picture.

And the big picture is this:

GOD called us to be THIS CHILD'S parents.

If God intends us to show this child what the gospel is by loving him when he's ugly and providing security and stability and grace even when it's difficult --- then God somehow will empower Robert and I to keep on keeping on.  

And the pain that comes as a result - be it stress, hard times, learning to forgive and give grace - whatever - it will be used for God's glory, because God doesn't waste pain.

I have to keep reminding myself that us parenting Charlie is no different from God adopting me as His child.  I continue to sin against Him; my heart continues to be ugly; I continue to fail - and every single day, He loves me anyway.  He doesn't hold it against me.  He forgives and encourages and walks with me.

How much less should I do the same for Charlie?

But as, if you're honest with yourself, I'm sure you know... understanding it on a mental level is much easier than applying it on a heart level.

It is hard to want to play with a child who lies to you with every breath.

It is hard to share with a child who sneaks around and steals from you.

It is hard to be vulnerable with a child - yes, though even a child - who hurts you.

It's hard to look beyond someone's behavior to realize that there are deeper reasons for his actions than the fact that he's just trying to hurt / manipulate / whatever.

But.

This is what I signed up for.

And I do the same to Jesus.

I have remembered, through this, though Charlie has been "redeemed" out of a horrible life of neglect, his emotions and certainly his spirit have not yet been redeemed. 

I have remembered that I have been called to love him, discipline him - parent him - but not to fix him.  Only God can fix him.

Just like only God can fix me.

...

If you're so inclined, our specific prayer needs are these:

• that Charlie's heart would be captured by Jesus
• that in the meantime, Charlie would at least *think* and make wise decisions
• that our girls will be protected from further harm (mostly emotionally, spiritually)
• that our hearts would be softened to this broken little boy who has acted like a jerk
• that Robert and I would continue to parent with the big picture in mind
• that Robert and I would not take these things personally
• that Robert and I would be granted grace upon grace and wisdom in discipline
• that Charlie will come to trust us
• that an adoption date will occur soon

...

Edited to add:  As I read this, it feel jumbled and all over the place.  That's my mind and heart right now.  It is what it is.  Forgive me...