Lesson

Seriously?  We have all grossly, grossly underestimated Pop's strength.  It is unbelievable that he is still alive.

Now in comparison

When Gram was in her final days, we were blessed by the continual presence of several people from our church family.  One of the most beautiful memories about that time was when Vickie told us that she didn't want to wait for Grandma to die for her to sing at her funeral, but that she knew Gram would want to hear her sing before she died.  She called home for some music and then we all gathered in her room and listened to her sing for Grandma.

It's really one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever done for us, ever.

I've thought of that memory a lot the past few days.  I know she would have done the same for Pop if we were still in California.

Tonight we got a phone call from one of the life groups from our home church in California, who were meeting together at Vickie's house tonight for Bible study.  There were about a dozen people there, and they called us and talked to us on speakerphone.  It was so touching, so sweet, that they would take the time out to call and check in on us as a group.  So special.

And then Mom asked, before they hung up, for Vickie to sing.

And she did.  Mom put the phone by Pop and Vickie sang "Amazing Grace."  I think some of the others joined in as well.

So beautiful.  So moving.  So thoughtful and encouraging. 

Eyes still on Him,
b.

Daddy, you can let go now...

I probably shouldn't even say this, but...

... if I've had time to do anything in the past week, I've had time to think.

And I have to say that one thing I'm feeling... know this - I hold no anger or anything - but one thing I've been feeling is a little bit of disappointment... in some people I guess in my life.

I have actually been amazingly surprised and blessed by the support I've received from several people, including out-of-town friends willing to come in and help, out-of-town family offering to help with our kids, our previous church family's calls, a customers-turned-friends calling with unending support and willingness to help transport kids, a couple we've known only for a few months who has stepped up to bring us a meal and check on us frequently, etc...

So what's my problem?  Unmet expectations, I guess, from:

~  a friend I consider close who hasn't called or e-mailed me to see how we're doing.

~  the pastor-friend we have who knows that Pop's time is near who hasn't visited or called, offered to comfort or counsel, prayed with us, or anything.

~  other than the couple mentioned above and a phone call from one of our pastors yesterday, no contact from our current church family.

~  people I've served out of love and friendship at tough times in the past not being in contact to offer encouragement, support, whatever.

Believe me, it's not like I'm expecting a lot.  A text from a friend, an email, a call - it all means a lot to just remind us we aren't alone.  Many people have obviously already done that - and if you haven't, I'm sure not trying to make you feel guilty.  In fact, the people I had in mind when I started writing here are very unlikely to even read this... I just wanted to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head.

Again, I'm not angry, just disappointed.  All kinds of excuses can be made, but whatever. I know I'm not better than any of them... and I wonder how many times I've disappointed others as well... but I hope I will be more sensitive to people going through these types of things in the future.   

OK... I'm over it now.  Letting it go and turning my

Eyes on Him,
b.

Comfort in song

Last summer, I think, was the beginning of the end. 

The turning point seemed to be, to me at least, the first week in June, when Pop fell and cracked his ribs.  He recovered, many times he seemed just fine, but it seems that that was the turning point when he began to be more and more confused, and overall weaker and weaker.

In August I shared with you the story behind Tommy Dorsey's hymn Precious Lord.  It's funny... it's an old hymn... and growing up in Baptist churches I was surely familiar with it even if I didn't know it quite as well as most.  But I found the words of the hymn strangely comforting.  One day after I took Christianne to school, I just needed some time... and I drove over the lake for just a few minutes to pray.  All I could do was sing the words to this song.

The other night I asked Robert to borrow a hymnal from our neighbor.  Flipping through the pages I came across they hymn.  The words are even more poignant today... especially the second verse that I didn't know before.

Precious Lord, take my hand,
Lead me on, help me stand -
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn;
Through the storm, through the night,
Lead me on to the light -
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

When my way grows drear,
Precious Lord, linger near -
When my life is almost gone;
Hear my cry, hear my call,
Hold my hand lest I fall -
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

What songs comfort you in times like these?

Still

I remember how I felt the last few weeks leading up to the births of each of my children.  That feeling, every morning, that came with the first thought:  Will it be today?

That consuming thought, looking at the date on the calendar, feeling a little apprehension but excitement as well, wondering if it would be today, tomorrow, next week?  Are we even close?

That's kind of the feeling here these past few days.  Will it be today? 

I've had a number of people remind me lately that it's so funny how sometimes we go out of this world in the same way we came in:  unable to feed ourselves, unable to speak; unable to use the toilet; wholly dependent on others.  As Pop sat in his t-shirt and "diaper" the other day and I watched Mom spoon applesauce into his mouth, I couldn't help but make the comparison.  She did the same for each of my babies, the last just a few years ago.

And this morning I had that thought and anxiousness again:  Will it be today? 

We are waiting... waiting for Pop to depart this earth and leave his corrupted body behind for the heavenly body and rewards that await him in heaven.

We are waiting for him to die.

I wonder, if, on the other side as they call it, in heaven - are his loved ones experiencing that same anticipation?  Are they wondering if it will be today?  Are they looking forward to his arrival as we looked forward to the arrival of each new babe here?

I hope so.

And as hard as it is to say good-bye, of course, I am, in a strange way, as excited for his departure of this earth as I was for the arrival of each of my babes. 

Sounds kind of awful when I say it out loud though, or put it in writing.  But the older I get I guess the more I understand how precious is our hope in Christ... how this earth, this life... it's just not what it's all about.  Being with Jesus is what it's all about.

So I'm sorry if you find this offensive.  I don't want him to go any more than anyone else, because I love him and have been blessed beyond measure by him in my life.  But he deserves more than this... He is ready for his reward and to be with His Lord.

Still waiting...

Lord, I wait for You.  You will answer, Lord my God.  Psalm 38:15niv

It runs in the family

Earlier Grace was being a messenger for Robert and me, carrying notes back and forth for us from the basement to the main floor.  After several runs, she was tired of the game.

I pulled her into my lap and hugged and kissed her.  I said, "I am so thankful for you."

She smiled and said, "Uh huh."

"I'm thankful you're my daughter."

Again:  "Uh huh."

"And I'm thankful I get to be your mommy."

"Uh huh," she repeated, followed by a big smile and a major announcement:  "Mommy!  I just farted on you!!!"

Waiting

I feel like that's how I have spent the entire day - just waiting.

Waiting for change.

Good or bad, waiting for change.

I'm not a very good waiter.  I like to think I have a lot of patience, but apparently not.

Sometimes, we can sit back and wait or we can take the proverbial bull by the horns and do something. 

In this case it's probably best I just wait.

Sitting back...

Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.
Psalm 31:24 esv

Are we there yet?

Come on, weekend, show yourself.

Then again, what difference does it make?  Just means I don't have to interrupt my sleep to take the kids to school.  (I confess almost every day this week I've returned home and returned to bed.)

Anyone have exciting weekend plans?

Times: They are a'changin'...

Gracie said something to me this morning that I have probably never said to anyone, let alone as a 4yo:

"Mom, come over here and look at my new avatar!"

Yesterday's MFR: Try, try again

Back in the Fit Friends race again - and Deb and Robert have joined me.  (The men compete against other men.)  Deb doesn't think I can beat her, let alone win.

Hmmm...

Anyway, so I'm back on the wagon.  Again, I'm breaking it down into 20-pound phases, for an ultimate weight loss goal of 80 pounds.  (At that time Deb will be skinny and Mom will finally have to give up her cigs.)

So... for Phase 1, I've lost 5 pounds... just starting for the competition. Fit report check-ins are now on Monday.

Stats -
     5 down, 15 to go for Phase 1
     75 pounds to go overall
    
    

Phenomenal: the iBand

New

New year:

• New toys.
• New calendars.
• New pens.
• New goals.
• New perspectives.
• New font. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
- 2 Corinthians 5:17

What a year 2010 was for us - challenging in many, many areas, but marked with blessing as well: 

Tough to meet everyone's needs - Pop's, kids', husband's, pets', etc.  Blessed to have had all my needs met - spiritual, physical, relational, etc.

Tough to struggle with finances.  Blessed to have a roof over my head, electricity, cars - more things than we really need.

Tough to watch friends struggle.  Blessed to know the Answer to every issue.

Tough to watch people suffer, decline, pass away.  Blessed to know that there is more that awaits us than these frail bodies and this broken world.

Tough to wear many hats.  Blessed to be sustained through all of it by the One who carries my burdens and renews my strength.

Tough to struggle with my sin.  Blessed to be freed from it - from its consequences and its power over me.

I could go on, and on, and on.  You know I can.  But really I just wanted to stop in and wish you a blessed 2011 - and to pray that you will know the same blessings I've known in 2010 - and more... that you will either come to know Jesus this year or, if you already do, that you will come to know Him better and better.

Because really, at the end of the day, at the end of the year, at the end of your life, that's all that really matters.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. 
- Philippians 3:7-11

Happy New Year,
Eyes on Him,

<><  beth  ><>