Bump #1

A few months ago, I got to attend a parent-teacher conference with Grace's 3rd grade teacher, Miss K.  Grace had developed a great relationship with her teacher over the school year, and I could tell how much Miss K liked Grace as well.  It's always a pleasure to have a conference with your kid's teacher when it's going like that.  And yes, I have had the other kinds of conferences, too, although I'm grateful that those have been very few.

Miss K was telling me what a great student Grace is, and how she has been testing very high, how she is a leader among her peers, helpful and such.  She had just recently been tested into the Gifted and Talented (GT) program although she'd been attending GT classes since second grade.  We were discussing her abilities when something was said to the effect of, "This kid could make an impact on the world."

These moments always give me pause.  It's an interesting moment in time that I've experienced several times now, as, honestly, we do hear wonderful things about Grace from time to time ~ at church, taekwondo, among friends and their families.  I really, really do not want to come across as a braggart; it's just part of her story.  After a comment such as this, I generally take a big breath, and my heart is filled, both with love for her and with courage to share her story, and I say:

"Good thing I didn't abort her like I was advised to do when I was pregnant, huh?"

I was a few months into my pregnancy with Grace, still feeling fairly good, and went to Kaiser for a routine visit.  (Because of my "high risk" status, I had more frequent visits to the OB/GYN than most do in an uneventful pregnancy.) 

I was weighed and measure and ushered over to the little "in-processing" station where they take your vitals.  I was met by someone who was not my doctor ~ a physician's assistant or nurse practitioner or something like that ~ and she said:

"Now.  Your blood work has come back.  Your AFP results are high, which indicates that the fetus likely has Down syndrome.  But don't worry, because we can schedule the termination for you right away."

Whoa.  Process.  Just thinking about her words now, more than nine years later, my heart still begins to beat hard and fast just trying to make sense of what she just told us. 

And what she just told us was that their test results meant that we would just schedule an abortion, naturally.  Happens all the time.

It makes me sick.

I don't remember much of the rest of the appointment, other than telling her that no, we would not be aborting the BABY.  She encouraged us to have an amniocentesis to verify the test results, reminding us that if the baby did indeed have Down syndrome, we could still terminate the pregnancy at that time.

Process.  Tell the family.  Ask for prayer.  Seek counsel and wisdom.  Do research.  Figure this out.  We'd be okay, right?  I mean, why did Mom spend the last year or so working with special needs children, if not to prepare us for this moment?  And didn't I value all life?  And... we had the Lord... we would get through it, right?  Right?

I will tell you openly and honestly that I am ashamed that we did the amniocentesis.  It is one of the few big regrets I have in life.  God was gracious, and it turned out okay, but what I did completely reflected my lack of real trust in God.  It showed my immaturity.  It displayed my selfishness and pride, in that I claimed to "want to be prepared" and know what to expect.  Remember that control issue I mentioned in a recent post?  This was a way for me to stay in control, or at least try to.  And ultimately, it put our baby's life at risk ~ all for my "need" to know.

Amnio Day sucked.  We had to drive to the valley and meet with a genetic counselor to learn more about Down syndrome and other genetic issues that are more prevalent when the mother is over 35.  We did the amnio ~ unpleasant in itself, but brief.  And we had a quiet lunch and went home to wait for the results.  Unlike every other pregnancy appointment we had ever had, there was no joy in this visit.

{Okay, not in the last one either, but you know what I mean.}

We waited.  It was several days before I got the call, and Robert was at work.  I heard two beautiful truths in the one declaration:  Our daughter was absolutely fine.

The significance to this is so much greater than just the fact that we have a normal, healthy little girl.  The significance is in the What-Ifs.  I blogged about this a couple of years ago, and you can read it here.  I am SO thankful that I did have enough faith to not follow the woman blindly into the next room to schedule Grace's termination.  But how many women did?  Oh, Lord!

One more thought. 

Many times over the years I have seen children with Down syndrome here and there, like we all have.  And you know what I feel?  Sadness... for myself.  I am ashamed that I wasn't the one God entrusted to parent a child with Down's.  I am sad that in this trial I didn't measure up.  My reactions showed a weak faith and fear rather than trust in God and knowing that parenting a child with Down's (or any other special need) requires someone strong, someone fierce.  And that's not me.

Please don't get me wrong.  I am GRATEFUL beyond words by how God worked.  I am blessed to share this story with people ~ many non-believers ~ in hopes that they will reconsider their stances on abortion or share it with others, too.  I am THANKFUL that my child is healthy and loves the Lord. 

But I am a little jealous of the moms who have been called to parent a child with special needs.