I Might've Missed Something

Two years ago this week, Robert and I were dealing with (although you might argue about how well) the possibility that our baby could have Down syndrome.

Of course you know how it's all worked out ~ how Miss Grace is perfect and healthy and beautiful, and why she's named Grace. And for that I am incredibly thankful.

But in thinking about that trying period in 2006, a couple of things are on my heart that I thought I'd share.

First, I recall the attitude of several of the health care people that surrounded me at that time... putting across the feeling or idea that modern medicine is so wonderful, that we would know so early that there was a problem with the baby, so that we could take care of that problem.

Take care of it - interestingly the same vocabulary Carl used with Jack Bauer in season 1 of 24 just before the subject of that conversation ended up dead.

Some did use more clinical, politically correct terminology. I was counseled that I needed to have an amnio as soon as possible, because timing could affect the termination of the pregnancy.

Take care of it. Terminate the pregnancy.

Interestingly just before I had the amnio I had a lengthy, extensive ultrasound. Perhaps the technician was pro-life, or maybe she was just doing her job. But every moment I saw my baby move on that screen, kick her feet, turn her head, suck her thumb, beat her little heart ~ the intensity of the mother-babe bond already there just... exploded.

I never, ever would have considered taking care of this problem or terminating the pregnancy. Yet watching my little one wiggle and move on that small ultrasound screen in a cold basement room in an ancient hospital sent my instincts for protection into overdrive.

Coincidentally (maybe), all of this unfolded around the time of the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and the observance of Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. My heart grieves over the nonchalant attitude of so many in taking care of the problem when that problem was a gift, a gift from God. This morning, two years out of that emotional time in my life, I can still hardly wrap my mind around it. I can't understand how we've come so far in trivializing human life.

Children are a reward from God, the Psalmist says.

Sanctity of Human Life Week begins this Sunday, January 20.

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I was blown away by the news that my child could have Downs. I grieved. I cried. I poured my heart out to God. And now I look back and honestly say to myself, what was all the fuss about?

Yeah, it would've been hard. (But guess what, it's already hard!) Yeah, I would have had to learn to parent with a different commitment, if you can understand what I'm trying to say, than even with my other children. But in the past two years, I've come across a number of DS children who have such joy about them. God chooses special people to parent His special children. And now, to be honest, I feel a little disappointed in myself for my hissy fit. I feel like maybe in my selfishness, maybe in my desire for "just" a healthy child, maybe in my need for control and order and perfection, maybe I missed out on an opportunity to do something extraordinary. Obviously I wasn't the right person for that job, and I'm ashamed to say that.

Does that make sense? Or do you think I'm sounding like a rambling idiot? It's hard for me to put it all into words. Grace brings me such joy ~ she really is a gift and a special, special little girl. And I'm SO thankful that she's perfectly healthy and bright. All three of my children are amazing blessings, gifts from God, and I treasure them and value them and thank God for them. I guess I have peace in the knowledge that God knows what's best for me, and I think He answered my prayers accordingly. Still, it's quite a lesson I think I've learned in trusting Him in all situations.

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Lastly, I have a few friends who are pregnant. Will you please pray with me this week a little extra for their health, their babies' development, and deliveries? They are K, M, and T. God has blessed them with new treasures! How wonderful He is!