Yeah, But Do You Mean It?

I know I don't post a blog every day, but I do think a blog daily without fail. Sometimes more than once!

And sometimes when I sit down to post it, it just doesn't happen.

And sometimes I thought I did post it and am surprised that several days have passed without an actual post.

But that's me.

There has been much to occupy my time and my thoughts lately:

I cannot believe that Easter will be here in a handful of days. I am *not* ready in the sense of baskets, dresses, eggs, and dinner... but God has been working in my heart and I am SO ready in an emotional and spiritual sense to CELEBRATE the most important event in the history of the world! I attended a business building seminar some time ago for my unspecified business endeavor (although the speaker was in the industry, she was not from our company) and signed up to receive her newsletter. Funny enough, the latest edition was a weekly devotional for this Holy Week. We have been using it the past couple of nights with the kids and that's been a great thing.

My back. Thank you for your prayers. I think I can say today that I am 99% healed. :) I would say 100% but there are moments here and there. Overall though, I am very thankful. Those 5 days of pain, tightness, and not being able to completely stand were awful, and it's such a relief to be "normal" again.

Not that I'm normal.

Stellan. You know, it's a funny thing. It's funny how I happened upon this blog that has lovely anecdotes of many small children as well as stories of faith and testing on the same day that this family began experiencing a health crisis two and a half weeks ago. This family has been heavy on my heart, and I visit the blog often for updates and news. And while I'm there, sometimes I cry with them and for them, honestly, because of what they're going through, but I also always leave encouraged, despite everything they are going through. Stop over there if you have the time, but if not, please at least pray for little sweet Stellan.

My three kids. Joshua's team has been working hard in preparation for the State OM competition coming up the weekend after Easter. In addition, he's doing an Images of Greatness project on the phenomenal George Lucas. (I smile when I think of who he chose. He is such a 9-year-old boy, isn't he?)

Chris is growing and learning and maturing in a lot of different ways... boy, there is a lot of emotion spent when you are in junior high, isn't there? Good and bad. She is learning a lot about responsiblity and relationships and a plethora (that word's for you, Deb) of other things. It's an interesting time for her... tough in some ways and wonderful in others.

And Miss Grace. I asked her today how she spells her name.

She said, "O. B. E. Y."

It makes me laugh so hard because it's like saying I spell my name S.K.I.N.N.Y. Still firmly in her twos, Grace isn't terrible, but she definitely has a will of her own and obedience is... well... let's just say we're learning.

Together.

Because in my nearly 40 years on this earth, guess what? I still, too, have a will of my own and obedience is... well... I'm still learning.

Grace has learned this song at church that she loves to sing, probably because of our response every time: we cheer and clap and call for encores. It goes like this:

O.B.E.Y. Obey your mom and dad!

O.B.E.Y. It makes them really glad!

(Although the first dozen or so times she sang it we would fall into hysterics because she sang mad instead of glad.)

So often Grace will be doing something and I will have to remind her to obey. As my tone of voice gets firmer and sterner she will "get it" and obey me and then, sensing my disapproval at her lack of immediate obedience, she will say, "Can I sing my song for you?"

This has been a pattern for a couple of weeks.

Well, yesterday I was having a particularly challenging morning with all the kids, and it came to this moment. I was frustrated and impatient and my name, admittedly, had just been retracted from the list of nominees for Mother of the Year. (Again.)

Grace said, "Can I sing my song for you?"

I turned away from her, went to the dishes, and said, "No."

She asked me again. Again I said no. And then began the why's. Grace is also in the lovely stage to ask Why? or Why not? again and again and I've found myself by the third or fourth time either retorting "Because I said so" or ignoring her completely. So the rest of our conversation went like this:

"Why not? Mama, why not?"

"Because I don't want to hear it, Grace."

"Why not?"

"Because it doesn't mean anything."

nudge

"Why not?"

"Because you don't mean it when you sing it."

nudge nudge

"Mama, why not?"

"Because I said so, Grace... now OBEY me and go upstairs!"

And interestingly enough, she did, leaving me to stand there alone pondering the meaning of that heavenly nudge on my heart. God tells me to obey, and I do my own thing. Eventually I do, grudgingly, sometimes. And sometimes I don't do it at all. And then I want to come to Him and worship and tell Him wonderful things and then... nudge. Do you mean it, Beth? Do you really mean it?

...

So I didn't really set out to share that with you. I know it kind of disrupts your image of me. But yes, I'm going to be honest: I have issues. I have a LOT of issues. :)

And for today, I'll leave it at that.

xoxo