I will be honest.
I am overwhelmed by this process.
There is so much to do, so much to learn.
There is no wonder that this is normally a 4 to 6 month process. But since we are on the "fast track" to give this little guy a home, we are doing much of the certification process concurrently.
I am overwhelmed by the certification process itself, although I think we are on the downhill slide with that. We have finished classroom training on trauma-informed care. We have taken our first aid and CPR class. We have been fingerprinted and are ready to submit our cards (with payment, of course) to the CBI this week. We have begun our home study with about 4 hours (so far) of interviews and discussions with our caseworker. (I'm guessing we have at least 6 more hours of that to go.) We have completed pages and pages of paperwork, much of it redundant. We have all been checked out by our physicians for our medical waivers. It seems to me that what remains - at least to be certified foster care providers in our county - is to complete the home study and some online training. (One could argue that I could be doing that right now, instead of blogging...)
I am overwhelmed by the people involved in this process - only a handful of whom I've met: our caseworker, Charlie's caseworker, Charlie's guardian ad litem; Charlie's SAFY; Charlie's physician and therapists; Charlie's teachers / school personnel who are working on a plan for his success; people who can help us facilitate medical needs; people who can help us give him some special times and support; people who can give us support and respite; his current foster family... the list goes on.
I am overwhelmed by all the acronyms: DHS and CSS and foster CW and kinship CW and GAL and SAFY and IEP and FUM and I promise you I have not even touched the surface. It's all my brain will allow at this moment.
I am overwhelmed by what still needs to be done in our home. We are in the process of decluttering and downsizing in an effort to move our only begotten son to the spare bedroom in the basement and prepare his bedroom for Charlie upstairs. (I thought it would be rude to say, "Yes, Charlie, come live with us, two floors down in the basement." It seems very under-the-stairs to me, like The Boy Who Lived.)
I am overwhelmed by the training we received and yet I still fill ill-equipped to take this on. I am trusting God on that, since He's the One Who brought us here, while compiling a reading list and resource list to follow-up on when I can breathe again.
On a beautiful note, I am overwhelmed with all the affirmation, confirmation, and encouragement we have received. I don't believe we have had a single critical comment. Some puzzled and surprised reactions, sure, but it's all good and has been generally very positive.
Thank you for allowing me to get all of this out of my brain so that I could move on.
I actually started to tell you about Charlie's caseworker, who called us about 10 days after Starfish Day. We spoke briefly on the phone, and were able to meet with her and her supervisor the following week to give us an overview of Charlie's history, including his strengths and his challenges. I mention it for three reasons.
First, remember how we came to know about Charlie? One of the things that his profile said was that it was important that he maintain ties with his biological family. We were encouraged by that, knowing that we attend the same church as the Weasleys... and were excited that Charlie and his brother would be able to - at some point - see each other regularly. That said, when we mentioned that in the initial meeting, the supervisor interjected, "That can't happen!" Whoa. Well, apparently the last time the boys had a visit (over 7 months ago), they both had some inappropriate behaviors following the meeting, and from what I understand, neither foster family wanted to go down that road again, and therefore cut off their visits.
This is an area you could pray for specifically, as it brings up a lot of questions: Is it okay to do some hard things initially to have long-term benefits? (Mrs. Weasley and I are hopeful that this will be allowed... we aren't excited about it but are willing to deal with some ugly stuff in order for them to heal, rather than to ignore it all. Does that make sense? And of course we will work carefully with all the people involved, especially therapists.) On a practical note, how will we do church, especially in the beginning? We love our church and certainly don't want to leave.
Second, this was the first time we got to hear much of Charlie's history. It was shocking, to be honest, seeing right there in black and white what kind of abuse this little guy has suffered. It gnawed at me for days. I would soon find out that there was even more to come. But it was tough to see and hear. I think it's important not to share those details here. I pray that you just knowing that this young boy has known greater trauma in his first 5 years than most of us will ever experience in our lives will give you a compassion for him that the knowledge has given us. He didn't ask for any of this. He is an innocent child who bad things have happened to, much as Sirius Black once said to Harry Potter.
Finally, Charlie's (and, by the way, George's; one caseworker is assigned to the family) caseworker was new at that meeting, which is why her supervisor attended. And last week, we found out that she is being reassigned and we will get a new caseworker for him soon. The Weasleys said that this is the fifth caseworker in the last six months. I find that a bit disheartening, but just learning what I've learned in the last couple of months, I think being a caseworker in this very flawed system has to take a lot out of you. I think it takes a special person to do it, particularly for any length of time, and not become a robot who stops feeling. Anyway, we haven't met the new one yet.
Also in August we attended our Foster Care Orientation and got the ball rolling on our training, although that wouldn't start for a month still!
Isn't it funny, sometimes, how radically life can change in a mere month?
Monday, October 10, 2016
Friday, October 07, 2016
Chapter 2: Dinner with the Weasleys
They aren't really the Weasleys, of course, but one thing I'm learning about in this process is how sensitive some information is, so I've changed their names (and most others) for their protection. Look how responsible I've become.
Grace, Mom, Wookiee, and I arrived back home to Colorado on August 6th. It's hard for me to believe that all this was two months ago already. The first six weeks of that seemed to move so slowly - but the last couple of weeks have been packed with trainings, evaluations, studies, and more, quickly moving us toward certification. But I'll get to that in time.
Robert and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary on the 8th of August, in our usual, muchly anticipated tradition of dinner at The Melting Pot. It was awesome on the anniversary level alone, but we had also been apart for 4 weeks! It was an important time for us to reconnect and talk face-to-face and begin to process this new adventure.
Dinner there was amazing as always, but this trip was a little different in that they seated us in this little, private, closet-like room, complete with a curtain door. It was kind of funky; much of the seating there is already private, but we definitely had our own room. And at various intervals, different people would hop in and out through the curtain to take our orders, refresh our drinks, etc. I still loved it - don't get me wrong - but it was kind of weird.
We were talking a lot about what adoption would look like, and how crazy and scared and excited we were. At one point, our waitress popped in and made small talk. "How many kids do you have?" she asked after asking about our anniversary.
We looked at each other first. "Three," Robert answered, "but we are considering adoption."
"Wow! That's so cool!" she said. "I'm adopted!" By this point, I had felt the Lord's confirmation so many times that my response was simply, "Of course you are." It's becoming almost a mantra. I'm no longer surprised at all the times He reassures me we are on the right path. I'm delighted every time, for sure, but not surprised.
Two nights later, Robert and I had dinner at the Weasley house. Mrs. Weasley would be the woman I mentioned in my previous post who "advertised" on Facebook the week before for an adoptive home for a little boy. We were so nervous as we drove up to their house, honestly. We had met the Weasleys before as they are part of our church body, but we don't know them particularly well. We also talked about adoption itself, and I recall telling Robert that there was no way I wanted to go thousands of dollars into debt through private adoption, so if that's where God was directing, He'd have to provide the funds.
Over the course of dinner, they laid it out. They were caring for a young boy who recently came into their home. This young boy - let's call him George - had been living with them for about six months, and he has an older brother - we'll call him Charlie - who needs a home.
The Weasleys have 3 grown and mostly-grown daughters. A few years back a need arose in their church family and they found out about a toddler who needed a home. Their journey with that little one - we can call her Ginny - has been long and at times difficult, but they have adopted her into their family and love her with everything they have. She is around 5 now.
A number of months ago the Weasleys were approached by another family in our church who was caring for George. They felt that they no longer could care for him, and asked the Weasleys if they would do it. It wasn't an immediate decision, but after some time the Lord grabbed their hearts and they decided to do what they could for George. He has been with them for - I'm guessing - about 7 months or so, and they are pursuing his adoption. George recently turned 4.
The Weasleys told us of some of the history of these boys. They are part of a sibling group of four, the other two children in another state. They have been traumatized - abused sexually and severely neglected, among other things. There are lingering issues stemming from those traumas. And because the boys were abused together, the powers-that-be recommend that they not be homed together.
(Also, though this is a minor point but a pro tip should you ever consider such a journey - it is apparently recommended to maintain the birth order when adding other kids into your home. Charlie is nearly 8.)
A few things also stood out to us, apart from the way our hearts broke hearing about these boys' stories. One was that Mr. Weasley mentioned that passage in James that God had recently laid on my heart. Another was the story of the starfish, which I had known and also recently thought about. We can't fix or even make a difference for the thousands of kids out there who have been hurt, but we can make a difference for one. One of the most profound things that both Mr. and Mrs. shared was how great the theme of adoption is throughout the Bible in terms of salvation. Really, adoption IS the gospel. Consider:
Think about it. We are not naturally God's children. As Gentiles, we are perhaps more especially not part of His family. But God sent His Son so that *all* who believe, Jew or Gentile, would become children of God (John 1:12). We are adopted into His family, with all the legal rights as full blood-borne children. This *is* the gospel! Isn't it amazing? This honestly is so profound and so full of application, both with our relationships with our heavenly Father, as well as our coming relationship with Charlie!
This dinner, remember, was just to get information. Eventually I raised my most important objection: We can't afford private adoption. Both the Weasleys looked a little surprised, and proceeded to inform us that this would be through the foster care system - so the cost to us would be under $100.
Of course it would.
Ro and I left, a little overwhelmed and needing to chew on all that we had heard, but I think we both knew in our hearts, even as we drove home, that yes, we would pursue this adoption. We told the Weasleys we would think about and pray about it, but we *knew* that night. That Thursday night. By Saturday I had begun to do some research on the internet and had signed us up for the next available foster care orientation through the county, nearly 2 weeks away. And on Sunday, August 14, 2016, we formalized our decision by declaring it Starfish Day and letting the Weasleys know.
We were about to begin our starfish journey.
Grace, Mom, Wookiee, and I arrived back home to Colorado on August 6th. It's hard for me to believe that all this was two months ago already. The first six weeks of that seemed to move so slowly - but the last couple of weeks have been packed with trainings, evaluations, studies, and more, quickly moving us toward certification. But I'll get to that in time.
Robert and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary on the 8th of August, in our usual, muchly anticipated tradition of dinner at The Melting Pot. It was awesome on the anniversary level alone, but we had also been apart for 4 weeks! It was an important time for us to reconnect and talk face-to-face and begin to process this new adventure.
Dinner there was amazing as always, but this trip was a little different in that they seated us in this little, private, closet-like room, complete with a curtain door. It was kind of funky; much of the seating there is already private, but we definitely had our own room. And at various intervals, different people would hop in and out through the curtain to take our orders, refresh our drinks, etc. I still loved it - don't get me wrong - but it was kind of weird.
We were talking a lot about what adoption would look like, and how crazy and scared and excited we were. At one point, our waitress popped in and made small talk. "How many kids do you have?" she asked after asking about our anniversary.
We looked at each other first. "Three," Robert answered, "but we are considering adoption."
"Wow! That's so cool!" she said. "I'm adopted!" By this point, I had felt the Lord's confirmation so many times that my response was simply, "Of course you are." It's becoming almost a mantra. I'm no longer surprised at all the times He reassures me we are on the right path. I'm delighted every time, for sure, but not surprised.
Two nights later, Robert and I had dinner at the Weasley house. Mrs. Weasley would be the woman I mentioned in my previous post who "advertised" on Facebook the week before for an adoptive home for a little boy. We were so nervous as we drove up to their house, honestly. We had met the Weasleys before as they are part of our church body, but we don't know them particularly well. We also talked about adoption itself, and I recall telling Robert that there was no way I wanted to go thousands of dollars into debt through private adoption, so if that's where God was directing, He'd have to provide the funds.
Over the course of dinner, they laid it out. They were caring for a young boy who recently came into their home. This young boy - let's call him George - had been living with them for about six months, and he has an older brother - we'll call him Charlie - who needs a home.
The Weasleys have 3 grown and mostly-grown daughters. A few years back a need arose in their church family and they found out about a toddler who needed a home. Their journey with that little one - we can call her Ginny - has been long and at times difficult, but they have adopted her into their family and love her with everything they have. She is around 5 now.
A number of months ago the Weasleys were approached by another family in our church who was caring for George. They felt that they no longer could care for him, and asked the Weasleys if they would do it. It wasn't an immediate decision, but after some time the Lord grabbed their hearts and they decided to do what they could for George. He has been with them for - I'm guessing - about 7 months or so, and they are pursuing his adoption. George recently turned 4.
The Weasleys told us of some of the history of these boys. They are part of a sibling group of four, the other two children in another state. They have been traumatized - abused sexually and severely neglected, among other things. There are lingering issues stemming from those traumas. And because the boys were abused together, the powers-that-be recommend that they not be homed together.
(Also, though this is a minor point but a pro tip should you ever consider such a journey - it is apparently recommended to maintain the birth order when adding other kids into your home. Charlie is nearly 8.)
A few things also stood out to us, apart from the way our hearts broke hearing about these boys' stories. One was that Mr. Weasley mentioned that passage in James that God had recently laid on my heart. Another was the story of the starfish, which I had known and also recently thought about. We can't fix or even make a difference for the thousands of kids out there who have been hurt, but we can make a difference for one. One of the most profound things that both Mr. and Mrs. shared was how great the theme of adoption is throughout the Bible in terms of salvation. Really, adoption IS the gospel. Consider:
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear,
but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons,
by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”
Romans 8:15 ESV
Think about it. We are not naturally God's children. As Gentiles, we are perhaps more especially not part of His family. But God sent His Son so that *all* who believe, Jew or Gentile, would become children of God (John 1:12). We are adopted into His family, with all the legal rights as full blood-borne children. This *is* the gospel! Isn't it amazing? This honestly is so profound and so full of application, both with our relationships with our heavenly Father, as well as our coming relationship with Charlie!
This dinner, remember, was just to get information. Eventually I raised my most important objection: We can't afford private adoption. Both the Weasleys looked a little surprised, and proceeded to inform us that this would be through the foster care system - so the cost to us would be under $100.
Of course it would.
Ro and I left, a little overwhelmed and needing to chew on all that we had heard, but I think we both knew in our hearts, even as we drove home, that yes, we would pursue this adoption. We told the Weasleys we would think about and pray about it, but we *knew* that night. That Thursday night. By Saturday I had begun to do some research on the internet and had signed us up for the next available foster care orientation through the county, nearly 2 weeks away. And on Sunday, August 14, 2016, we formalized our decision by declaring it Starfish Day and letting the Weasleys know.
We were about to begin our starfish journey.
Wednesday, October 05, 2016
The beginning of our starfish journey
About a year ago, I felt God begin to soften my heart toward helping children through the foster care system or adoption. Nothing was concrete - it was just there. But I rebelled. Because, if you know me at all, you know I don't really like kids. I adore *my* kids. But other people's kids... forget it.
And so I ignored it.
Eventually I noticed it wasn't going away so I mentioned it to my Ro and my friend Beth. (Robert, as you probably know, adores kids, and has been open to fostering or adopting or heck, even having more (!!) for some time.) I actually asked God to take the feeling away. And He didn't, so I did what any good Christian would do. I ignored it some more.
I'm not sure what prompted it. It could have been posts I'd been seeing on Facebook. It possibly could have been from my Bible study in James. But the feeling lasted - for months. Patient. It wasn't insistent; it was quiet - but it was there. Patiently waiting.
This summer I was blessed to spend a good chunk of time in California with my mom and sister. All 5 of us went - and for a week we were incredibly busy enjoying some of the best things of southern California: family, food, camping in the Sequoia National Forest, and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios. We crammed a lot into that first week, managing as well to see my sister play some ball in the Hemet area and attend my mom's (not really) new church.
That first Sunday as we sat in her church, their Vacation Bible School was announced. I felt a prompting on my heart to extend our stay (Grace and me; the others had to return to work and home after our Harry Potter adventure) for that. I felt like Grace would benefit from it and that I, too, could perhaps serve the body by participating. It's a pretty small church and surely they could use the help. Um, what? That is not me. Remember? Kids?
I decided to wait on making a formal decision until the following week - you know, just to be sure. And when VBS was announced, I had that same feeling that we should be there. After church, we signed Grace up and made plans to extend our stay by about a week so she could participate.
About this same time, after Robert and Chris and Josh had returned home to northern Colorado, I was enjoying some devotional time with the Lord one morning, when He directed me again to James 1. I was struck anew by this verse:
I don't think I need to dissect the verse. God's message to me that morning was clear: He has called us (all believers, but me, at this moment) to visit orphans in their afflictions. (Let's contemporize this to foster kids, kids in the system, whatever you want to call them.)
I texted that verse to Ro and told him that it was time for us to get serious about this, and that we needed to be in serious prayer about it.
And then, again, I ignored it. Because, after all, I was 1040 miles from my husband, so what else could I really do, but put it out of my mind?
A few weeks later, VBS started. It began on a Sunday evening. They didn't really need my help, but Grace was a little shy, so Mom and I stuck around. The kiddos met for the introduction and were dismissed to their classes. Mom and I went over to chat with her friend - let's call her Rose - and the friend Rose had brought from another church just for VBS - we'll call her Violet. It wasn't long before Rose was called away and we were left making surface-y small talk with this woman neither of us knew.
Somehow we started sharing about living in different places. Violet asked about the diversity in Loveland. She said, "I ask, because that's something we have to be very conscious of, since we have adopted 5 children who are African-American." At that moment, I absolutely knew - knew without a doubt - that *this* was the reason God had laid it on my heart for us to extend our stay to attend VBS. It wasn't about VBS at all. It was a divine appointment that God had set up so that I could speak to this woman - this woman who shared with me that adopting kids out of foster care was her *passion* in life and thus receive a divine message: It's time.
I came home that night completely blown away, and finally convinced that the Lord had something in mind. I called Robert in Colorado that night - usually it's late and we often text our good nights - but I called him and poured out what had happened at VBS that very first night. That night, July 31st, was ordained by God to change my heart.
(Incidentally, this woman I've named Violet... I didn't see her again until the very last night of VBS, and that meeting was very brief. Funny, isn't it?)
Robert, of course, was completely supportive and ready to move forward. He had some leads of (I believe) private, Christian foster agencies that he would look into and we would work on make it happen as soon as I got back the next week.
The next morning, Monday, August 1st, I woke up to a text message from Robert. A friend from church had posted something on our church's Facebook page that morning - for the second time (I was able to easily ignore the first time in April). This time... less than 12 hours after those conversations with Violet and then Robert... hard to ignore.
It said:
And Robert's text message:
Yep, he had already responded. Because, you know, there was no commitment in that message. It simply said, "If God is leading any family toward adoption, please contact me" and that was us. How could I argue? God was leading, right? Wasn't it obvious?
Again, blown away. I couldn't stop thinking about the post. (Ironically only one person commented - "I'll be praying for the right family!" - gee, thanks!) I didn't have an 8-year-old boy in mind. Truthfully, I kind of wanted a Mexican baby girl with long dark hair that I could do in pink bows. In fact, when we began our parenting journey more than 20 years ago, I had no desire for boys, and yet God has shown me His wisdom and His blessing on my life through my son. And so I thought about it... an 8-year-old little boy. Yes, we could do this.
I took Grace to the swimming pool and she could tell I was distracted and asked me what was up. We had talked about helping a child or two in need so the idea wasn't completely new to her. I told her that I'd just found out that there was a little boy who needed some parents. Her response? "Can we get him?!" Ha... as if he were a puppy. As if it were that simple. But yes, I felt like... maybe... maybe we could, indeed, give this boy a home.
And so I ignored it.
Eventually I noticed it wasn't going away so I mentioned it to my Ro and my friend Beth. (Robert, as you probably know, adores kids, and has been open to fostering or adopting or heck, even having more (!!) for some time.) I actually asked God to take the feeling away. And He didn't, so I did what any good Christian would do. I ignored it some more.
I'm not sure what prompted it. It could have been posts I'd been seeing on Facebook. It possibly could have been from my Bible study in James. But the feeling lasted - for months. Patient. It wasn't insistent; it was quiet - but it was there. Patiently waiting.
This summer I was blessed to spend a good chunk of time in California with my mom and sister. All 5 of us went - and for a week we were incredibly busy enjoying some of the best things of southern California: family, food, camping in the Sequoia National Forest, and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios. We crammed a lot into that first week, managing as well to see my sister play some ball in the Hemet area and attend my mom's (not really) new church.
That first Sunday as we sat in her church, their Vacation Bible School was announced. I felt a prompting on my heart to extend our stay (Grace and me; the others had to return to work and home after our Harry Potter adventure) for that. I felt like Grace would benefit from it and that I, too, could perhaps serve the body by participating. It's a pretty small church and surely they could use the help. Um, what? That is not me. Remember? Kids?
I decided to wait on making a formal decision until the following week - you know, just to be sure. And when VBS was announced, I had that same feeling that we should be there. After church, we signed Grace up and made plans to extend our stay by about a week so she could participate.
About this same time, after Robert and Chris and Josh had returned home to northern Colorado, I was enjoying some devotional time with the Lord one morning, when He directed me again to James 1. I was struck anew by this verse:
Religion that is pure and undefiled before
God, the Father is this:
God, the Father is this:
to visit orphans and widows in their affliction,
and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
James 1:27 ESV
I don't think I need to dissect the verse. God's message to me that morning was clear: He has called us (all believers, but me, at this moment) to visit orphans in their afflictions. (Let's contemporize this to foster kids, kids in the system, whatever you want to call them.)
I texted that verse to Ro and told him that it was time for us to get serious about this, and that we needed to be in serious prayer about it.
And then, again, I ignored it. Because, after all, I was 1040 miles from my husband, so what else could I really do, but put it out of my mind?
A few weeks later, VBS started. It began on a Sunday evening. They didn't really need my help, but Grace was a little shy, so Mom and I stuck around. The kiddos met for the introduction and were dismissed to their classes. Mom and I went over to chat with her friend - let's call her Rose - and the friend Rose had brought from another church just for VBS - we'll call her Violet. It wasn't long before Rose was called away and we were left making surface-y small talk with this woman neither of us knew.
Somehow we started sharing about living in different places. Violet asked about the diversity in Loveland. She said, "I ask, because that's something we have to be very conscious of, since we have adopted 5 children who are African-American." At that moment, I absolutely knew - knew without a doubt - that *this* was the reason God had laid it on my heart for us to extend our stay to attend VBS. It wasn't about VBS at all. It was a divine appointment that God had set up so that I could speak to this woman - this woman who shared with me that adopting kids out of foster care was her *passion* in life and thus receive a divine message: It's time.
I came home that night completely blown away, and finally convinced that the Lord had something in mind. I called Robert in Colorado that night - usually it's late and we often text our good nights - but I called him and poured out what had happened at VBS that very first night. That night, July 31st, was ordained by God to change my heart.
(Incidentally, this woman I've named Violet... I didn't see her again until the very last night of VBS, and that meeting was very brief. Funny, isn't it?)
Robert, of course, was completely supportive and ready to move forward. He had some leads of (I believe) private, Christian foster agencies that he would look into and we would work on make it happen as soon as I got back the next week.
The next morning, Monday, August 1st, I woke up to a text message from Robert. A friend from church had posted something on our church's Facebook page that morning - for the second time (I was able to easily ignore the first time in April). This time... less than 12 hours after those conversations with Violet and then Robert... hard to ignore.
It said:
There is still a need
for an adoptive family for a little 8 year old boy.
for an adoptive family for a little 8 year old boy.
If God is leading any family toward adoption
please contact me.
please contact me.
And Robert's text message:
I left her a message.
Yep, he had already responded. Because, you know, there was no commitment in that message. It simply said, "If God is leading any family toward adoption, please contact me" and that was us. How could I argue? God was leading, right? Wasn't it obvious?
Again, blown away. I couldn't stop thinking about the post. (Ironically only one person commented - "I'll be praying for the right family!" - gee, thanks!) I didn't have an 8-year-old boy in mind. Truthfully, I kind of wanted a Mexican baby girl with long dark hair that I could do in pink bows. In fact, when we began our parenting journey more than 20 years ago, I had no desire for boys, and yet God has shown me His wisdom and His blessing on my life through my son. And so I thought about it... an 8-year-old little boy. Yes, we could do this.
I took Grace to the swimming pool and she could tell I was distracted and asked me what was up. We had talked about helping a child or two in need so the idea wasn't completely new to her. I told her that I'd just found out that there was a little boy who needed some parents. Her response? "Can we get him?!" Ha... as if he were a puppy. As if it were that simple. But yes, I felt like... maybe... maybe we could, indeed, give this boy a home.
Friday, September 02, 2016
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