His

I am writing this on Saturday, September 4.  I am not sure when I will post it.

It has been an insane week, folks.

You know, you become a mom for the first time... you figure things out.  You eventually settle into a groove, where, although you don't know everything, you are confident in your ability to figure it all out.  You add a second child, a third... there are challenges here and there of course, but after 19 years go by you think you've got this parenting thing figured out.

As Chris began her journey into the Navy just last June, there was so much to process.  I spent many hours on a wonderful website called Navy for Moms, where I gleaned a ton of information and found a great deal of support.  I was about as ready as I could be for her to go into the military.  I knew what would happen for our final good-byes; I knew about The Box that would be sent home a few days later; I knew things that even Chris didn't know.  I am very grateful.  As you know, I like to know things.

But do you know what never occurred to me?  What 19 years of motherhood had NOT prepared me for?  My first little bird leaving the nest.

I mean, if things go the way we plan, except for visits, she's not coming back.

I don't know why this failed to occur to me.  It didn't occur to me when she cleaned out her room a couple of weeks before, loading bags of items to be donated or passed down into my room to deal with.

I mean, I knew it.  I just didn't get it.

After 19 years of parenting, after potty training and school-beginnings and adolescence and proms, after drama and busy-ness and teaching, after scrapes and bruises and a couple of broken bones, after camping trips and non-camping trips and new houses and new friends and new church families, after some tears and even more laughter... I was not prepared for this.

On the day that Christianne was born, my water had broken early that morning and we got ready to go to the hospital.  As Robert worked with getting the car seat installed in our Geo Metro (why didn't we figure that out beforehand?), I gathered my things up and I had this realization that I have never forgotten:  We were leaving there as a family of two, and when we returned, we would be a family of three.

That's how it was this week letting her go, only in reverse.  August 31 began with five of us.  It ended with only four.

The past couple of months have been a bit surreal - we had our last camping trip together, our last day of church, our last dinner as a family.  It seems kind of somber, and it was, but it was a good thing, too, in that it made us intentional about knowing that our time was short.  What a blessing to know that - to be able to mark memories as they happen. 

I heard this week about a man who lost his young son in a drowning accident.  I have a friend who lost her young adult son in a motorcycle accident, and another whose son was killed in a train wreck.  How thankful I have been to at least know that our time together was coming to an end... for now at least.

I have to acknowledge that we are in a time of uncertainty.  You probably know that Christianne's processing is on hold until they can resolve a medical issue from a couple of years ago.  As much as I wish she were still here, I don't want her to be here!  :)  I believe that God has been in this plan from the beginning, but even if I was wrong and this isn't for her, I believe that He holds her, and He has her best interests at heart.  He has plans for her ~ a plan for her welfare and not for evil, a plan to give her a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11)!

I am praying.  I am choosing to trust.  Every time I have a moment of panic I am claiming Proverbs 3:5-6 as my own:  I *will* trust in the Lord with all my heart.  I will *not* lean on my own understanding.  In all my ways I *will* continue to acknowledge Him, and HE WILL make straight our paths.

I want to be like Miss Clara.  (Go see War Room.)  I want to cover my daughter in prayer and trust God. 

I have another vivid recollection from the day I brought Christianne home from the hospital.  We were renting a little tiny guest house on the back of a farmer's property at the time.  It was so quiet out there, but very small.  I rocked Christianne in my new rocker in this back bedroom that was mostly used for storage, and I prayed.  I thanked God for this child, and for the love that filled my heart for her that was more intense than anything I'd ever known.  I was thinking about how God gave up His only Son for us ~ and I couldn't comprehend it.  I asked Him, "Please, don't ever ask me to give up my daughter."

Selfish.  Understandable, perhaps.  As a parent, what on earth could hurt us more than losing a child?  I can't imagine anything.  But I have had a peace over the past week that has helped me to let her go a bit ~ an unshakeable knowledge that she is not mine, but His.  As much as I love her, He loves her more.  As much as I want to fix things, He CAN fix things.  As much as I want this for her, He wants what's best for her, which is something I may not even know.

So, during this long holiday weekend, we wait.  It would be very unlikely that we hear anything this weekend anyway, and we are praying that we hear nothing on Tuesday, or Wednesday, or Thursday as well.  No news is good news, they tell us.  I will be like Dory from Finding Nemo and I will just keep swimming.  The emotions that we have dealt with over the past seven days have been nothing short of overwhelming ~ fear, sadness, pure joy, delight, pride ~ but I am thankful that I have the King of Peace to hold us as we wait and see what happens next.