Longest month ever

This has not been my favorite summer.

There are 49 days left until my littles return to school.  I have been counting down since there were 85 or something.

Summers past have included relaxing days, do what you want, sleep in or not, days that fell into place with little or no planning, save for camping and road trips.

This summer I learned quickly that my youngest child does best with structure and routine.  He is fine without it - if I let him rot his mind in front of various TV, computer, and video game screens - which is kind of how today has turned out.  But he does do better when we have a plan and when the plans include intentionality rather than just winging what do, which may or may not include specific time with each kiddo.

So I've had to give up a little (or a lot) of my freedoms this summer to do what's best for my family as a whole.  And I've complained about it a little (or a lot), too.

We've also had constraints on our time this year that have been unusual - Joshua's trip to Peru (a success), Chris's upcoming trip to Germany, Charlie's reading program which goes nearly all summer, and wondering when this adoption thing is going to happen.  The negotiations have been in the appropriate parties' hands for 23 days now.  They are in no hurry, apparently.  They don't understand how important it is *to me* to have the adoption finalized before school starts in August.

But I was reminded today that God Himself knows - and in fact has ordained the day our kiddo will become a Wiggins.  And while it may be important to me that things are finalized this summer, if God does not see fit for it to happen in that timeline, then it must not be important to Him that it is.  He is in control.  I am not.  (When will I ever get that concept through my thick skull?)

I decided to go ahead and plan my annual road trip to Cali for the end of July.  It will be a quickie, and it will probably just be Grace, Charlie, and me.  It will be different, for sure.  But I miss my family and my friends, and I want Charlie to see the ocean and meet some of my people.  The way my luck goes, the adoption will be scheduled right smack in the middle of when we want to go!  I doubt it, though.  If the negotiations resolved next week, apparently it still takes 3 weeks after that to get a court date, and I don't see them resolving quite that quickly.  If it does, though, we'll ask for the days between when we return and when school starts, or it will be after the start of school... whatever!

In the meantime, we (the littles and me) fill our days with library programs, park dates, reading, movies, and activities.  The older two work most of the time.  Funny how I - who do (does?) love structure and routine - am so resistant to it this summer.

Prayer needs:  adoption negotiations, Christi's upcoming mission trip to Germany*

*by the way, she's got a blog going - check it out:  grassandfigs.blogspot.com.

Chapter 20: The judicial review

In early February, Colorado got hit by a storm that generated a LOT of ice.

And we had a 9am court appearance.

My morning routine is generally pretty rigid on weekdays.  Charlie, Grace, and I leave for school at 8:10.  I drop Grace off just a couple of minutes later and head south for 6 miles, dropping Charlie off at 8:25 at his school.  (Next year, he will be at our neighborhood school, giving me back 50 minutes every day - 250 minutes each week - OVER 4 HOURS, FOLKS!)

Anyway, we left his school about 8:30 this icy morning and headed to court, northward to Fort Collins, with insane, creepy crawly traffic, passing cars in ditches. Needless to say, we were late to court.  In fact, we arrived and finally found parking and ran in breathlessly at 5 after 9 to notice that the usual security line was not where we remembered it to be.

Because, of course, we were at the wrong court.

Back to the car, back to the icy streets, driving north, correct courthouse, security line - Robert had to donate his thingamajig that didn't pass the X-ray inspection - and once again out of breath, we made it to the family courtroom.

The proceedings had begun.  We slipped quietly into the back of the room.  Charlie's GAL was speaking to the court.  They were nearly finished when she turned around and happened to see us.  "Oh, your honor, the adopting parents are here, if you'd like to speak to them - I didn't know!"

We were both a bit nervous, fearing we might be chewed out for our tardy entrance.  But wow, were we wrong.

The magistrate began by asking us some questions about how we feel about our situation - Robert spoke on our family's behalf.  And then the magistrate spoke - and we were both quite shocked.  He told us how, based on all the reports he had just heard, he was impressed at how well Charlie seems to fit in our home.  He commended us for our efforts, our sacrifices, our commitment... yada yada yada.

Then, some person I'd never seen before, a man I later came to find out is the attorney representing the county, also spoke up, commending us for all our good work.  (It's sort of surreal receiving praise from someone you didn't even know existed.)

I will be honest.  We hear praise from time to time.  Mostly people tell us how great it is that we would take this child out of the goodness of our hearts... you know.  Maybe you have told us that, too.  And when we receive it, a mixed bag of emotions comes to the surface.

I do not feel we should be commended.  We are merely doing what the Lord called us to do - and it took me nearly a year to agree to do that because I did not want to obey!  This is merely an extension of following what He told us to do, no different, in many cases, from what He has called you to do, that you are obeying. What He endured in obedience to the Father on my behalf far outweighs what little I can do in obeying to honor Him.

On the other hand, I will admit that sometimes this "positive feedback" comes at time when we do greatly need encouragement.  Often we get focused on the day-to-day muck that is distracting us from the bigger picture.  And when someone tells us that we are doing a good work, it does in fact motivate us to keep on keeping on.  Sometimes, I feel like God uses people in these situations to encourage our hearts, and it helps.

So, while we are not looking for praise and often feel quite humbled by it, there's a thought of application here - who can *I* encourage today to keep on keeping on?  Who can *you*?

To God be all the glory!

Chapter 19: I do still have other kids

You know how easy it is to get into a rhythm of life and start taking your most treasured gifts for granted? 

Just before Christmas, I had a full house with Mom and Deb visiting and all four kiddos off school / work at the same time.  My living room seemed extra small with all this energy and excitement of Christmas being right around the corner.  I felt overstimulated and stressed and sent the kids off for some sibling bonding at the local ice rink.

And then I got the call - one of those phone calls that reminds you not to take your blessings for granted, one of those calls that reminds you that life is fragile and not guaranteed and that everything can change radically in an instant.  The kids were in a multi-vehicle accident.  They were all okay, just scared and sore. 

Can you even imagine, losing your entire family, in an instant, two days before Christmas?  It makes my stomach sick to think of it. Thank You, God, for keeping them safe! 

That was our big not-really-related-to-Christmas excitement in our house over the holiday break.  It wasn't long before school began again and life returned to normal.  (And after two months, this was the first look at our "normal" that Charlie was able to see.) 

But while our life has become consumed with social workers and therapy appointments, reading programs and legal responsibilities, our family is not Charlie-centric.  It strikes me how much this really is just like having a newborn - the first few months feel like they revolve around this new human being who it utterly dependent on you.  While Charlie can wipe his own butt and sleep through the night, these first few months have been full of adjusting to his routine, and trying to adjust him to ours.

We have had challenges.  Just like bringing a new babe into the home, the other siblings felt the novelty wear off quickly.  (I was thinking about that this morning in my prayer time and thanked the Lord that some of those jealousies and insecurities have at least lessened.)  But we have also had things to rejoice about with some of our other kiddos' accomplishments as well!

In January, Josh was invited to an Honorable Scholars Banquet at UNC, where he was one of a number of students to be awarded their top scholarship!  We have since toured the campus, talked to a number of people, and he has made a decision to attend UNC in the fall.  Big deal, folks.  The banquet was fancy shmancy and very special.  We are incredibly proud of him.

And the following week, our Grace won the school district spelling bee among all the elementary students in the district!  She got a tall trophy, a new water bottle, and a gift card to Barnes and Noble, along with her picture in the paper and lots of respect.  She (read: we!) worked really hard to prepare.  Unfortunately, in 5th grade, this is as high as you can go, but maybe in middle school next year she will be able to advance to the State competition.

And Christianne got back in her academic groove.  She returned to school last August and made the Vice President's List for the fall semester.  The best part of it all was how much she loved school.  I haven't seen her that excited about it in a long time. 

A family of six.  Who woulda thunk it?

Reflection

It's good for me, this blog.

Because when you've moved into the day-to-day busy-ness of life, you get so encumbered by all the little stuff, that you feel your feet begin to sink a little.  Your perspective changes, and it takes intention to remember to "zoom out" and take a moment to reflect on the bigger picture - what the puzzle is becoming, and what it will become when it's complete.

I need to be intentional about zooming out a little more often.  I need to keep my eyes on Jesus, because lately those day-to-day encumbrances are wearing me out.

A little philosophical today.  Part of being a New Year, I suppose.  It's natural, at least for me, to reflect, especially on the past year.

And the past year has certainly been interesting.

I did not expect, for example, that I would be sitting here, on January 1st, *not* watching the Broncos (because the game is irrelevant to their disappointing season), in a skating rink while my two youngest kiddos are moderately entertained.  (Yes, sad but true, only moderately.)  I did not expect that while I am usually looking forward to the structure of school re-starting, that this year I would be counting the days (and I have been almost since the beginning of break).  I did not expect to have celebrated Thanksgiving, a child's birthday, Christmas, and New Years as a mom of four.

And yet, here I am.

Charlie.  He's been with us just over 8 weeks.  CRAZY!  It's been an interesting ride.  We are all still learning each other.  In some ways, things feel very natural.  In others, it's been quite challenging.  Simply put, he's just different from us - he is not a Wiggins, not naturally.  He will have to learn the way of the Wiggins.  And he will.  It just takes time.

And patience.

But we are 1/3 of the way through the wait to petition the courts for adoption.  Already!

But I'll tell you what - I am excited about 2017, because already I have begun to try to teach Charlie that

• when you are adopted into God's family, you have a NEW identity.  You become a NEW creation.
• when you are adopted into the Wiggins family, you will also have a NEW identity.  You will have a NEW name.  We have NEW ways of doing things.
• it's a NEW beginning.
• in August he'll begin a NEW school.

Pretty exciting, yes?  This year will be life-changing for Charlie.  For us, too, of course, but it will really mark a turning point in his little life.

Time to pack it up, both my stuff here at the skating rink, and my musings on 2016.  Be blessed in the New Year.

Chapter 6: Further heavenly encouragement

The following Sunday, Pastor Aaron was back in Judges again, teaching about Gideon, when the Lord spoke to my heart one of the strongest messages of confirmation yet.

Josh was at work, Grace at a sleepover.  Christianne, Robert, and I sat in our usual front row, right side.

Aaron spoke of how an angel came to Gideon, who was so fearful of his enemy that we was threshing wheat in hiding.  That, folks, is hard to do.  "The Lord is with you," the angel said, "O mighty man of valor."  Interesting.  Gideon, a mighty man of valor?  Gideon, who is threshing wheat in a winepress so as to avoid the Midianites?  Gideon, of the weakest clan of Manasseh? Gideon, the weakest in his father's house, a mighty man of valor?

The angel and Gideon continue in conversation, and Gideon is called to save Israel from the Midianites.  He would be their hero, sent from God to rescue and restore, unlikely as he was (have you noticed how often God chooses unlikely people to do His work?).  His first task: to demolish the altar to Baal and the Asherah pole, representing the pagan worship practices of their enemies.  He obeyed, but he did so at night, because he was still afraid.

Aaron drew out three principles that so moved my heart.  Honestly, Chris and I were in that front row with tears flowing down our cheeks, both feeling in our souls the confirmation that God is moving us intentionally toward parenting our Charlie.

1.  When God calls us to do something crazy,

something hard, something terrifying,

He promises to be with us.

2.  When God calls us to do something crazy,

something hard, something terrifying,

He will equip us to accomplish what He has called us to do.

3.  When God calls us to do something crazy,

something hard, something terrifying,

courage is not the absence of fear,

but acting in faith despite our fear.

Pastor Aaron and his family are doing their own starfish thing, actually.  Through a series of unrelated events, he related the story of how one in our church body also stepped out in faithful obedience to reach a troubled family where the mom is addicted to drugs and has a toddler.  Their small group sought to meet the family's needs, and Aaron's family has taken in the little guy as a foster child while Mom seeks to get her life back in order and Dad is contacted and pursued as a possible permanent placement for the little one.  They have had him nearly a year now. 

Aaron related several instances of people in our church bravely walking in obedience, but at the mention of their starfish, Christianne and I connected our personal dots and began to cry.  A good cry.  A cry of overwhelming emotion that the Lord would speak directly to our hearts for this specific situation.  Our God - Creator and Ruler of the universe - has time for us, time to meet us where we are, to encourage our hearts, to give us direction, and to give us confirmation.  It was amazingly beautiful.  It was one of the most touching moments I've ever had in church.

Following the service, Aaron happened to meet up with Robert in the bathroom.  We hadn't told Aaron about our calling, our starfish journey, but he'd heard, probably through the Weasleys or their lifegroup leader our ours, although he didn't know the details.  He stopped Robert right there, right in the stinky men's bathroom, and prayed with him for our obedience, for our courage, for the process, for Charlie's heart...

He will be with us.  He will equip us.  And we can act in faith and obedience even though this is the scariest thing we have ever even considered doing.

As I'm writing, this verse keeps going through my mind:

And I am sure of this,

that He Who began a good work in you

will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6 ESV

Chapter 5: The Lord Who heals

About the same time that we met the Dursleys, we received a report of Charlie's "trauma assessment" from the county.  It was beginning to feel as though every few days we learned more of his history and therefore how it related to his challenges today.  This was sobering information, and hard on our hearts.  How could it not be?  But we had other things to consider - namely our own little family, and how this would impact our children, particularly Grace, being only 10.

But God has been gracious in encouraging us.

That same weekend we went to church, our hearts pensive and cautious, heavy with the things we had learned.  We had a guest speaker and he taught from Psalms, rather than our current study in Judges.  Now, if you know me, you know that I am an avid note-taker during sermons, mostly because it helps me stay focused.  But since we had a guest speaker, since we weren't in our current series, and since I had heavy things on my heart, I didn't take notes that Sunday.  I didn't even listen much, to be honest.

But I did hear one thing, perhaps the thing I was most meant to hear. Our speaker began to talk about some of the Hebrew names of God and how those names reflect His attributes and character.  He mentioned two in particular - Jehovah Jireh and Jehovah Rapha.

Jehovah Jireh - the Lord who provides

Jehovah Rapha - the Lord who heals

It was the second that moved my heart.  I was reminded that our God is a healer.  He *is* Jehovah Rapha, the Lord Who heals.  He heals our hurts, He heals our diseases, He heals our broken spirits and restores us to Him.  He is a God of healing and restoration!

And our little boy is in need of this healing.

I will hope and pray for God's miraculous intervention in healing our Charlie.  I will pray that as we give him permanence and unconditional love, that he will be surrounded in an environment that is soothing to his soul.  I am asking God to heal him so that he can have a full life of joy and health and peace without being haunted by what was done to him.  And I am asking God to heal him quickly.

But I am not naïve.  I know that sometimes God works quickly and miraculously, but more often He does not.  His time frame is certainly not mine (or else He would have already returned, to say the least!).  Sometimes He works healing out over time, sometimes with time alone, sometimes with professional help.  This healing process with our Charlie may take - will probably take - years.  I'm praying it's quick.  I'm praying it's a year or less.  But I'm quite aware that it may take years.  It may take a lifetime.

And I'm also aware that sometimes we don't get complete healing while we are on this earth, that healing comes fully only by standing in the presence of God.  And I'm okay with that, too - because still, the Lord heals.  And my job in this process is to point Charlie to Jesus as long as I'm able to, so that he will know the Lord as his healer, be it here in our home, later in life, or as he stands with Jesus in eternity.

Jehovah Rapha - the Lord who heals.  Will you pray that Charlie comes to know God in that way?



(The picture is a page-in-progress from my coloring book.  Charlie loves to color, too.)

Maybe Someone's trying to tell me something

This past week, in our study of Revelation 12 for BSF, we took a look at the character of Satan.   We looked at the Bible's first mention of him at the Fall in Genesis 3, how Jesus referred to him as a murderer and a liar from the beginning, and how he preys on the church (Revelation 12 and 1 Peter 5:8). 

Be sober-minded; be watchful.

Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion,

seeking someone to devour.

1 Peter 5:8 esv

After the class discussion, our lecturer paused to remind us of the same verse.


Later in the afternoon, I was at work, and for some strange reason I had no clients.  (It really is strange, because most people have their W2 forms now and it's peak.  I had two clients waiting for me when I got to work, but after they were taken care of, I had nothing the rest of the day.)  I don't mind; in fact, I kind of treasure these times because it gives me opportunity to study the Word in some fashion, so I went and bought some new swanky ear buds and plugged into our church's website, and listened to a sermon from nearly a year ago.


Believe me, there is nothing like listening to a sermon while you're in the middle of WalMart.  True.


I had missed the sermon, and because I'm anal, the hole it left in my book of notes really bothers me, so I went back to last April and listened to Pastor Aaron's sermon on the providence of God as it related to Paul when a large group of people banded together and took an oath to see him assassinated.


And do you know what Pastor Aaron told me, 9 months ago but yesterday, in my ears, in the middle of WalMart?  He said:  We also have an enemy seeking to devour us.  He prowls around like a lion seeking someone to devour.  We are in the midst of an intense spiritual battle.  We must not let down our guard.


When things like that happen, my heart does a little dance.  I feel like God is affirming His message to me when I hear it more than once in different ways.  And in this case ~ this message even sort of transcended time to affirm it!.


Isn't that kind of crazy?


Doesn't it kind of rock that we have such a cool God?


But wait, there's more!


Of course I shared this with Robert yesterday, and the first thing he showed me this morning was something that came up on his Facebook or phone or feed or whatever, an article by Tim Challies about the very same subject.


I just love the way God works like that.  It reminds me how personally involved He is in our lives.  As awesome as that is, however, I need to be careful to not miss the message:  Watch out!


Wake up.  Pay attention.  We DO have an enemy and he HATES us.  Think about that.  He isn't just the enemy of Jesus - he hates you, too.  And he stalks us and he seeks to devour us, to eat us up, just as he sought to devour the Christ child at His birth in Revelation 12.


I think it's important to note that while we don't need to fear the enemy (for God is more powerful and the ultimate battle has been won), we should not underestimate him, either.   One thing Pastor Aaron also said in that message is that predators look for prey that is isolated and away from community.  Being in biblical community is one important way to avoid falling victim to Satan's schemes. 


Jesus told the disciples to watch and pray, so that they would not fall into temptation.  We need to wake up, people.  In the same way my Ro is constantly reminding his family to be aware of our surroundings and get our heads out of the distractions that can cause us to be victims, we need to be spiritually vigilant as well.


Because your adversary the devil is seeking someone to devour. 

My one flaw

Right.  You know.  I only have one flaw.  But in thinking about it this morning I was reminded of a certain someone who is very near and dear to my heart, who, when told by her physician to stop smoking said, "But it's my only sin!"

So, assuming that I, too, live in Fantasyland and I only have one flaw, I shall be transparent before you and share it here on my blog.

Occasionally in the past, maybe three or four times that I can remember, around the end of the year or the beginning of the next year, God has laid on my heart something in my life that I need to work on.  Maybe it's because it's the time of year when I do like to reflect on my life, and so I am more sensitive to His prompting or leading in this area than at other times.  Maybe it's because in that reflection I realize He has been trying to get my attention in a given area that I've been resisting for some time.

Anyway, last year it was prayer.  I spent all of January and February working through (reading, thinking about, noting, and seeking to apply) this amazing book by Daniel Henderson called Transforming Prayer.  I loved it.  It really opened my eyes to how prayer (admittedly, a struggle for me) could be dynamic and exciting when based in worship.  I talked about it frequently and I ordered a few copies to give away to friends.

And that was that.

I have (two or three times) gone through a tremendous Bible study on biblical eating.  It makes absolute sense and I believe it to be true ~ that food to me is an idol that needs to be abolished.  Whenever I do the lesson, I sense truth in my heart and a desire to do life differently.  And then I close up the study for the day and move on to the next thing on my to-do list.

And that is that.

I love love love to read and study my Bible.  I was introduced this past year to Kay Arthur's inductive study method and it appeals to my heart so much that it brings genuine joy to me to get out my colored pencils and mark my Bible and make my lists. 

And that's that.

Are you following me?  I have been convicted this past year that I lack application in my life.  Sure, there are certain messages from God that are simply and immediately applied (even some I haven't liked), but the ones that involve true heart change and lifelong habit change - not so much.

And so I am sensing my "theme" for the coming year ~ application. 

What's funny is that in pursuing that character trait of putting into practice what God is teaching me, some of the other things I've yearned to learn (including prayer and self-control and discipline) should flow out of that.

Recently I finished Packer's Knowing God.  (Side note:  my least favorite genre to read is Christian non-fiction, but ... This. Book.  It's tremendous.  I resisted reading it for years and now I wish I hadn't.  It is amazing and the majority of my book is noted and highlighted because there are so many nuggets of wisdom that I need to remember and apply...)  A wise commenter on Facebook said:

Knowledge without obedience (read: application)

just takes up brain space.

Lack of obedience is poor stewardship

of our brain cells.

- TG Rousch, 8/18/15

I confess that knowledge is something I crave.  I love learning, especially learning about God and His Word.  I have several Bible studies going at once, and I love love love to talk about what I am seeing through them.  (Knowledge may be, perhaps, even an idol in my heart.)  But knowledge is different from wisdom, which, I believe, is the application of knowledge. 

Application.  Obedience.  Wisdom.  It's what's for dinner.

Ponder anew

Imagine, if you will, that you are in debt.

I suspect most of you reading are in debt, to one lender or another, or have been, so perhaps you can identify with this little allegory personally, at least to start.

Now let's imagine that this debt is to someone powerful.  Maybe the IRS.  Yes, since I'm a tax lady, let's go with the IRS (although in my experience they are much nicer to work with than the State of Colorado, but that's neither here nor there).

You owe the IRS a lot of money.  More money than you can pay.  It is your fault, for you, perhaps, misunderstood a tax law or misreported an item or perhaps did not plan for an upcoming tax bill.  Regardless, it is ultimately your responsibility, despite the additional charges brought on by penalties and interest.

Now the IRS can do several things to satisfy this debt and to punish you, the transgressor, for getting yourself into this mess in the first place.  They can garnish your wages.  They can put a lien on your home.  And ultimately, you can be put into prison.  Though not a function of the IRS, in some cultures, a debtor could even be put to death!

So imagine that the IRS has had it with you ~ had it with your failure to pay, had it with your excuses, had it with the time it has taken to pursue you to make things right ~ and they decide to take action against you, as is well within their rights according to the law.

And then, just before they come to seize you, someone steps in.  Someone, perhaps you don't even know, someone who steps in and steps up to pay your debt on your behalf so that you can be free.

Such is the heart of the gospel and a picture of it that likely you have heard before, right?  Although no analogy that compares God to man is ever perfect, it does help sometimes to see the transaction of propitiation that occurred when our debt to the Creator God was paid by Jesus Christ.

It is amazing in and of itself, but I want to take it a step farther, because yesterday in my quiet time God awed me with another aspect of the gospel.

Let's use the same example, only we'll call it a bank now, a very large and powerful bank.  You have been a long-time customer of this bank, though not a very good customer, as, like I mentioned before, you have accumulated great debt over poor decisions in your lifetime.  The time comes when the bank decides to reckon with you, to clear up all the overdrafts and bad debt that you have accumulated over the years of banking with them.  It's time to pay up.

Again, the bank has methods they can use within their rights to collect from you.  You are a desperate man, however, and you have no means to pay.  You have just lost your job as a bakery owner, perhaps, or whatever.  Your wife is ill and your children have needs that also are not being met.

Enter that someone who comes to rescue you. 

Only now you stop and ask yourself, "Where did this guy come from?" and "Why would he do this for me?"

And you come to find out, that although you've been a lousy customer of this bank for years, and although the bank has been good to you despite your lack of reciprocity, and even though there comes a time when accounts must be reconciled, this bank still wants to keep its relationship with you.

Mind-boggling in and of itself, isn't it?

And then you discover, that because the bank still wants you to have a relationship with them, the CEO of the bank himself gets involved in your case personally, and he decides that the way to rescue you and keep you part of the bank's family is by calling up his own son, his only son, to step and make way for this to happen.

And he does.  The son comes in, the son pays the price ~ steeper than we can imagine ~ and you are free of all your debt.  And you are still a customer of the bank ~ in fact, you could say, you've even been elevated to preferred customer status ~ actually no, he puts you on the board of directors ~ because the CEO of this bank sent his son to make things right with you.

Yeah, I know ~ those of you who read this blog likely know the gospel already.  But sometimes we get so familiar with things like the gospel that we become desensitized to it.  It should move us every time we consider it that the price Jesus paid for us was death!  And yet we read it, perhaps nod a quiet thanks in our hearts (on a spiritual day), and move on.  But yesterday, considering the gospel and thinking of this bank analogy, helped me to just be amazed that not only Jesus died for me, but that this was initiated by the Father.

In a culture of Go-Fund-Mes and other crowdfunding campaigns, even before such campaigns when fundraising was (and still is) common (although it's like an F-word to me, often, honestly), many of us understand that at times there is something out there that is too big for us to accomplish on our own.  Some are stubborn and dig our heels in, thinking in pride that they can accomplish it on their own.  In the case of salvation, they can't, and other than the realization that they can't accomplish it on their own, even the crowdfunders and fundraisers can't be saved without Jesus, for you can't crowdfund salvation.  It can't be bought.  The price is too high.

But it has already been taken care of.  You call the bank, perhaps, to try to make arrangements one last time.  Maybe you ask, in desperation, "Can you just consider forgiving this loan?"

And the CEO says, "Already done.  Someone already has settled your account.  You are free and we look forward to continuing our relationship with you in the future."

I feel like this is so ineloquently said.  You can't compare the Creator God with a bank CEO, really.  And of course the settling of account wasn't as simple as someone stepping in to make a financial transaction on my behalf.  But the point that I have been "pondering anew" as of late is that God initiated it.  That is amazing.  He initiated it, before I ever knew I needed it.  He initiated it, even though I have nothing really to offer Him.  He initiated it.

Ponder it anew.

In this is love, not that we have loved God,

but that He loved us and

sent His Son

to be the propitiation for our sins.

1 John 4:10 esv

I had me an epiphany...

These are a shadow of the things to come,

but the substance belongs to Christ.

Colossians 2:17 esv

Beginning the very afternoon that Christianne flew to Great Lakes, Robert and I made sure to have our phones constantly at our sides, always charged.  We had learned that we would never know when she might call, and even though we were told to not expect a call for several weeks, we still hoped for one every day. 

(Although we also hoped NOT to have one, as we were told that "no news is good news."  Such a strange dichotomy.)

And beginning just a few days later ~ although we knew better ~ we began to watch the mail for anything from our daughter.

It took about a week to receive our "kid in a box" and form letter detailing her address and all that good stuff.  From that point on, we became obsessive (okay, honestly, I will go ahead and throw him under the bus:  ROBERT became obsessive) about checking the mail, two / three / four times a day, always in hopes of receiving a letter from our Nina. 

Those letters were treasures!  Sometimes we would gather Grace and Josh together and read them aloud.  Sometimes it would just be Ro and I when they arrived and we'd huddle together on the couch to "spend time" with our girl.  She is such a great writer, and her voice came through the page and it felt like she was right beside us.  She would share her frustrations and challenges, her questions and concerns, and funny stories that made us laugh out loud.  A day that ended with a letter from Chris was a mighty fine day indeed.

Last Monday ~ what a blessing last Monday was to us, because, as you know, we got to go pick up our sweet girl from the airport and bring her home.  (It is bittersweet, for sure, because as much as we longed to have her home, we would have rather missed her as she finished her training in Great Lakes.  Knowing that she is planning to re-enlist, however, makes it okay.  For now, she is with us, and we are grateful.)

Last Monday we picked up our girl and hung out at the mall... Our girl needed some retail therapy as she was having withdrawals from not having worn makeup or jewelry for the past 35 days.  She shopped, she laughed, she shared, she smiled, and I couldn't take my eyes off her.  Was she different?  She seemed the same?  Taller?  Heavier?  Was that really my girl in those grown-up Navy sweatpants with the 50-pound backpack on her back?  She hadn't been in training for the past three weeks, so I didn't really expect her to be different, yet I just couldn't stop staring at her.  She's my girl.  She was home.

We enjoyed a fantastic dinner (did she eat that much before she left?) and headed home.  It was a good day, but a long one.  Everyone settled in ~ Grace getting ready for bed; Josh doing homework; Chris checking out her "compartment," newly dusted and vacuumed and with her "rack" already made, no doubt enjoying the fact that she was the only one in it.  Ro went down to check the mail, and we had letters.  Letters from Chris!

He told me about the letters and set them on the table.  We got busy with getting ready for bed and such, and eventually went to bed ourselves.  We were into the early afternoon of the next day before I realized we hadn't even opened the letters!

It struck me right then... the letters that we longed for, that we looked forward to over the past several weeks... the letters were just shadows of our girl... The letters were a wonderful way to stay connected to our daughter... but they weren't our daughter at all.  Once our daughter was home, the letters, although still enjoyed and treasured ~ the letters just didn't mean the same.  We didn't need the letters anymore.  We had Chris!

Are you familiar with what the Bible teaches about the shadows of things that merely point to Jesus?  The Feasts the Israelites observed were shadows (Colossians 2).  The Law was a shadow (Hebrews 10:1).  Jesus is the true and better Adam, the true and better Abraham, the true and better Moses, the true and better David, the true and better saving ark, the true and better sacrificial Lamb.  All of those things ~ and more ~ point to Jesus the way those letters pointed to Chris:  but the true and better Jesus is, well, truer and betterer!

We have Jesus. 

Just ponder that thought for a moment; let it sink in.  We have Jesus. 

We have Jesus.

Nod to Timothy Keller / Porterbrook re "true and better"

Humbled, buoyed, and blessed

It is crazy to think that it has been nearly two weeks since we've heard that Chris is being sent home, and nearly four weeks since she's been gone in all.  This military machine is bigger than I can understand, composed of millions of parts, and movement, therefore, is small and slow.  Did that make sense to you?  It did to me.  It means we are still waiting, still trying to be patient.

I have been ~ nay, WE have been ~ comforted in many ways in the past two weeks.  We still have our moments of full-on emotional brokenness, much of which I think will be healed when we can finally wrap our arms around our daughter and remind her face to face (perhaps reminding ourselves, too) that it really is going to be okay.

Two different friends recently reminded me that

... the God of all comfort,

Who comforts us in all our affliction,

so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction,

with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God...

2 Corinthians 1:3b-4 esv

... that God comforts us.  We have found comfort in a myriad of Scripture verses shared with us; we have been comforted by so many friends who have reached out to us; we find comfort in knowing that many more people across several states have lifted our family up in prayer.  I have been ministered to by music (most recently Mandisa's "Stronger" and Steven Curtis Chapman's "Glorious Unfolding" ~ you should definitely check them out if unfamiliar, especially if you are in a time of difficulty) on the radio and music that lifted my heart in worship.  I have been encouraged by messages both preached from the pulpit and taught among a few hundred other people.

When you stop to think about it, it's actually quite amazing, really.

I will share that, based on the few letters we have received, I am not sure that Chris is feeling the same level of comfort.  I will humbly ask that you will "turn up" your prayers for her especially.  She is very alone, despite being in a barracks with over 100 other girls.  She has been attending chapel and praying... but I am praying that God will send a supernatural peace to envelop her so that she can not doubt His presence with her.

Recently I shared how worshiping God in a time of broken heartedness really drew me close to Him.  I was reminded that this week when I read some thoughts of Charles Spurgeon.  He calls it contemplation of the Godhead; I call it worship.  Regardless, check it out:

No subject of contemplation will tend

to more humble the mind, than thoughts of God...

But while the subject humbles the mind, it also expands it...

Oh, there is, in contemplating Christ, a balm for every wound;

in musing on the Father, there is a quietus for every grief;

and in the influence of the Holy Ghost, there is a balsam for every sore.

Would you lose your sorrow?  Would you drown your cares?

Then go, plunge yourself in the Godhead's deepest sea;

be lost in His immensity;

and you shall come forth as from a couch of rest,

refreshed and invigorated.

I know nothing which can so comfort the soul;

so calm the swelling billows of sorrow and grief;

so speak peace to the winds of trial,

as a devout musing upon the subject of the Godhead.

(Charles Spurgeon via Knowing God/JI Packer, p.18)

 

My friend lost a child once, a few years ago.  I didn't know her then; in fact, it happened almost a year to the day before I met her.  She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, who then went home to Jesus just days after her birth due to a heart condition.  She came through that heartbreaking event feeling, as she puts it often, "humbled, buoyed, and blessed."

 

That phrase has stuck with me over the years that I've known her.  And certainly, separation from the Navy is nothing compared to the death of a child.  But that feeling, I can recognize it now.  It's a feeling of knowing that you're being carried in the arms of Jesus, supported by other believers who, flawed though they may be, hold you up in love and comfort.  What an amazing blessing that is, and people who don't know the Lord don't have it nor will they understand it.  I'm praying that Chris will feel it, too.

 

This friend ... I should tell you more about her some day because she made an amazing impact on my life in such a short time.  But today I'm just going to embrace that phrase of hers, because it's exactly how I am feeling right now as well:

 

Humbled.  Buoyed.  And blessed.

Have you met my brother?

Today marks the third anniversary of when he was taken to prison, an American citizen, on foreign soil.

He has been beaten, tasered, and known far more physical abuse than I could even begin to claim. 

His health is not good.  He has been denied treatment on numerous occasions.

His crime?  Confessing Christ.

The Iranian government has recently threatened that if he does not deny Christ and return to Islam, more charges will be added to his current 8-year sentence. 

Today, on this 3-year anniversary, people around the world are coming together in prayer for the release of Pastor Saeed Abedini.  Will you join us?

For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ

you should not only believe in Him

but also suffer for His sake.

Philippians 1:29 esv

 

For I know that through your prayers

and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ

this will turn out for my deliverance.

Philippians 1:19 esv

Good article - http://aclj.org/persecuted-church/three-years-later-pastor-saeed-remains-in-chains-for-Christ

Please pray for our brother, Pastor Saeed ~ for his release, his health, his ministry, his family.

Please pray for the persecuted church as a whole today.  We are very insulated in our comfortable (even though it may be changing) U.S. of A.

Please pray for revival, for boldness among Christians.

Please pray for a focus on God, on His plan and His work in this, His, world.  Pray that we will not be so egocentric that we miss the bigger picture. 

However God leads, please pray.

Mom didn't get the joke

Over the summer a family joke was begun by Joshua and is heard at our house just about every day.  "Good news, everyone.  Grace got the joke!" or, "Bad news, everyone. Mom didn't get the joke."

Unfortunately, this week we had some bad news, and even more unfortunate than that, there was no joke to get.

Christianne is being processed out of the Navy due to medical issues. 

It has been a heartbreaking few days since we got the news on Wednesday afternoon.  There is a lot of pain, disappointment, discouragement, and confusion ~ even some anger.  I am mostly confused because I just really believed God was in this plan for her.  Why take her so far to send her home now?

Funny enough, Robert sent me a devotional on Tuesday based on this verse.

He is not afraid of bad news.

Psalm 112:7 esv

And when I woke up on Wednesday, I had a knot in my belly all day that felt like anxiousness, even though I didn't think I felt particularly anxious.  Bad news, everyone.  Mom didn't get the joke. 

It was Christianne who called that afternoon. Imagine it.  Such excitement to see a Chicago number show up on my caller ID...  such excitement to hear her sweet voice say, "Hi, Mom."  And then a feeling like being punched in the gut as she told us the news.

It was a crazy 24 hours.  We have been trying to process all of it, as I am sure she is.  Many tears were shed ~ are still being shed.

On Thursday, I headed to Bible study.  A familiar song came on the radio ~ "After All" ~ and I felt compelled to just turn the volume all the way up (I'm an old fogey and I rarely like my music loud) and worship Him.  A second song came on and I did the same.  By the time I got there, although I was still very emotional, I felt a peace come over me.

Someone (it might have been Angie Smith) once said (after hearing news that her child wasn't going to live) something to the effect of, "The God I worshipped before I heard this news is the same God right now after knowing this."

God is still God.

On Thursday, she called again while I was at Bible study.  Ro spoke to her this time, and said she sounded better.  That said, she might remain in Great Lakes up to 20 business days!  Wow.  Hoo-stinking-yah.

But during the study, God brought another verse to my mind.

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.

Job 13:15a esv

This morning, as I thought about that initial devotional Robert sent me, I looked up the actual verse.  In its entirety, it says:

He is not afraid of bad news;

His heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

Psalm 112:7 esv

So there you have it.  I am confused and hurt and about a hundred other emotions, but... BUT... God is still God, and I will still hope in Him.  I will still trust in Him with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding.

God is still God.  He is still the same God. 

21 Days

I've always heard it takes 21 days to make a habit. Do you find this to be true in your life? In mine, I'm not so sure. Last spring and summer I embarked on a Bible study / weight loss program that was an incredible time in my life. The course was a total of about 80 days, and I enjoyed my Bible study immensely - looking forward to doing it each day, growing spiritually. And yet, as soon as that program was over, I missed a few days of study, and then here I am a year later, completely hit and miss on my quiet times.

 

We talked about habits, including spiritual disciplines, in the youth Bible study last Sunday night, but it really got me to thinking. Am I such an undisciplined person that I can't even create a good habit or discipline after 80+ days? What is wrong with me???

 

On another yet related note, here are some points I jotted down from Sunday's sermon from the end of James:

 

• If we aren't seeking the Lord when times are good, we won't be ready to seek Him in times of crisis.*
• Eventually we begin living for ourselves and we become content with that; we become spiritually complacent.
• The prayer of a righeous man is powerful and effective... I've always read that verse and thought to myself, "Too bad I'm such a shmuck..." and yet... how do I become righteous? By praying when times are good, by being spiritually disciplined and seeking the Lord daily.

 *One of the songs we sang Sunday is "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt and Beth Redman. The words are especially meaningful to me because they ministered to me greatly during the period of anxiety when we were told Gracie could have Down's Syndrome. They helped me through that tough period of time, and really echoed the points above. Interesting coincidence that it was chosen for part of our worship time today...

 

Blessed be Your Name

Matt and Beth Redman

 

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful;

Where the streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place;

When I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name.

 

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise;

When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name!

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name!

 

Blessed be Your name, when the sun’s shining down on me;

When the world’s all as it should be, blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering;

When there’s pain in the offering, blessed be Your name.

 

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise;

When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name!

Blessed be the name of the Lord, bless be Your glorious name!

 

You give and take away; You give and take away:

My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name.